Screaming Banshees + Stupidity = PAIN


(Some language here ain’t age appropriate. Parents, cover your kids’ eyes and ears.)

Dear Crazy Woman Who Sits Somewhere Behind Me At Sharks Games:

Look, I try to appreciate everyone who’s passionate about our game and our team. In a crowded sports landscape, it’s nice to get someone who knows names and teams, who cares about something that’s ignored by so many in the US.

But seriously, I think you need to get counseling or something. I think you may have Borderline Personality Disorder or something along those lines. Not only do your fits of rage scare the people in front of you (I think I’ve grown numb to your screeching, but single-game ticket buyers are scared shitless by you), but your flip-flopping between emotional family discussions and bloody (and probably drunken) rage is quite disconcerting. For me, I’m just not sure how you can go from being all teary-eyed about your son’s upcoming wedding to screaming bloody murder at the opposing team. Here’s a sample exchange:

“It seems like yesterday I was holding him in my arms as a baby and now he’s getting married. Where does the time go? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET THE FUCKING PUCK OUT THE FUCKING ZONE, YOU STUPID WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT! I CAN’T BELIEVE I FUCKING PAID MONEY FOR THIS! GOD! YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME! KILLING ME! And it’s going to be a beautiful wedding. So much fun, but you know, time goes by so fast.”

(It’s amazing how this woman’s voice carries even though she’s a few rows behind and a number of seats over from me. In fact, I’m actually not sure what she looks like, but that voice is like nails on a freakin’ chaulkboard)

I have no problem with passionate fans, but when passionate fans don’t understand the rules, it really irritates me. Here’s quick primer on some rules you really need to understand:

1) Touching the puck with a high stick: If the puck gets touched by a high stick, it’s NOT a penalty. If the team that did it touches it again, it’s a whistle. If the other team touches it, play goes on. Please, please, please stop screaming for a penalty when this happens. Jesus.

2) Slashing: “SLASH HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD” would get your beloved Sharks in the penalty box. We all know that their PK’s been having problems as of late, so this team that is frustrating you so much would only be put in a worse situation.

3) Boarding: “BOARD HIM!” would also warrant a penalty and/or suspension and/or possible catastrophic injury. It might even be a 5-minute major and a game misconduct. That’s not good for your team.

4) Killing: “KILL HIM!” would also warrant a major penalty. I’m guessing any sort of attempted murder would be at least a one-game suspension.

Also, a quick primer on strategy:

1) The Penalty Kill: When you’re on the PK, you’re outnumbered. That means you have to play a zone defense. If you play man-to-man, you’ll always leave one guy open to walk right in. That’s why they have the box and diamond formations. Also, screaming for your defense to “FUCKING HIT HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD” would wind up taking your defense out of the play, thus leading to an odd-man situation and potential scoring threat. Not a good idea.

2) In Front: While I agree with you that the Sharks aren’t necessarily the best at driving to the net, you don’t want a guy in the crease at all times. There’s an ebb and flow to cycling the puck, and when you have a rotation with the three forwards, it means there will be times when no one’s in slot, especially if the puck is stuck along the boards.

3) Shooting: As with #2, I agree with you that the Sharks don’t shoot nearly enough on the power play. However, when there’s a defender blocking the shooting lane, taking a shot won’t do anything. If you want to yell “SHOOT THE FUCKING PUCK FASTER”, that would make more sense, as getting a quick shot off before the defender can get into the lane would be a smart play.

4) Evgeni Nabokov: Not everything is Nabokov’s fault. See the fancy new HD screen we’ve got at the Shark Tank? I suggest you watch the replays on there to get a sense of who’s screening Nabokov, where the defense is out of position, and if the puck is tipped. I’m not saying Nabby’s never at fault, I’m just saying look at the bigger picture before you throw him under the bus.

I’m not sure how I can convince you to turn down the volume or the shrillness of your yelling, but I think it’d be more bearable for all of us around you (hell, in the whole section, since your voice carries a freakin’ mile) if you’d A) learned to yell about the right things and B) got some anger management. Hey, I appreciate passion and I love my sport and my team, but I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to have aneurysm-inducing screaming over spectator sports. I’m guessing if your kid was playing junior hockey, you’d be one of those headline-making parents.

Besides, life ain’t that bad — at least you have money to afford season tickets, right? Calm the fuck down, already.

One suggestion my friend had for you: how about getting tickets right on the glass? You could make a bunch of money selling some of the games above face value at the Sharks Ticket Trader, you could offer all of your suggestions to the players and they’d probably hear you, and you would spare the people around you from your shrill voice. Of course, your voice might bounce off the glass and kill the people in the front row, but that wouldn’t necessarily be the problem of us good folk in the upper bowl, would it?


2 Responses to “Screaming Banshees + Stupidity = PAIN”

  1. 1 Lauren

    Wow. I thought we’ve had some crazy/stupid/annoyingly shrill people around our seats at Pens games, but she sounds like every single one of them all rolled into one.

    I will remember this post next time I want to turn around and punch someone. 😉

  2. 2 Katebits

    Hee! I’m so sorry you have to deal with a screaming banshee, but at least you got a hilarious post out of her.

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