Rawk the Puck — Western Quarter Results

16Apr07

We’ve got a LONG post here filled to the brim with our panelist’s snark and your votes. Click the Read More link to get the full results — and don’t forget to vote for your Eastern Picks. Voting for the East closes today. As a reminder, here’s our panel’s bios.

Detroit Red Wings vs. Calgary Flames
Representing Detroit: KISS, Detroit Rock City
Representing Calgary: The Cult, Fire Woman

——
Mike (The Cult): Does anyone remember when KISS actually had a pro wrestler called The Demon representing them? I guess you now know how my college roommates and I wasted our time. KISS is awful, even as my roommates dressed as them for Halloween. The Cult because they rock in a cheesy way.

——
Carla (KISS): Wow, that’s a helluva lotta hair. Everywhere. At least KISS isn’t taking itself seriously with a crappy song the way The Cult is. Like, the phonily exploding speakers at the end are very Sid & Marty Krofft. Hrm… now that I think about it, have we ever seen Gene Simmons and Witchiepoo in the same room together?

Contrariwise, Ian Astbury seems so self-serious that I can see why Ray Manzarek & Robby Krieger pulled him in to “replace” (*ahem*) Jim Morrison in The Doors “reunion” (*cough*). That Cult song seemed to be just one note. Okay, mebbe two. KISS wins my vote by more than a hair.

——
Chris (The Cult): Upset! Battle of the gee-tar rawk clichés goes to the Cult in six games, with lots of blood spilled along the way.

——
David (KISS): Detroit Rock City wins in a landslide. Kiss manhandles the Cult in musicianship as well as showmanship. If you’re gonna do make-up, you can’t go half way. The Cult puts in a noble effort, but it pales in comparison to the glam masters.

——
Greg (KISS): Ooh, it’s battle of the cheese. Nice touch on the open of “Detroit Rock City” — blaring sirens are actually the city’s theme song. As much as it goes against everything I believe to vote for Detroit in ANYTHING, Kiss’s goofiness trumps the Cult’s very sincere/heartfelt cheese.

——
Alanah (The Cult): Definitely Firewoman – The Cult. Wow. The first matchup I’m asked to judge and I end up pushing CALGARY? Ugh. But in a battle between The Cult and KISS, I have no choice. The Firewoman takes it in a walk.

——
AQ (The Cult): The Cult. Even if the Red Wings had a decent song on their side, I’d so totally go with The Cult because you just can’t go wrong with them. And of course I’d pick a two-hit wonder over one of the biggest and most popular hair-bands of all time, and conveniently ignore the fact that I was a huge KISS fan when I was a kid.

In a way, it’s kinda like Zack De La Rocha cutting off his nose to spite his musical face while hollering “TESTIFY!” and beating the crap out of random people with FREE LEONARD PELTIER signs–only much, much more satisfying.

——
Sherry (The Cult): My vote goes to The Cult – Fire Woman. KISS? Detroit Rock City? It’s about as original as Hasek getting a groin injury.

Anaheim Ducks vs. Minnesota Wild
Representing Anaheim: DADA, Dizz Knee Land
Representing Minnesota: The Replacements (from Minnesota), Left Of The Dial

——
Mike (The Replacements): The Replacements are one of the greatest bands ever in the history of time. Left Of The Dial is one of the greatest songs ever in the history of time. No contest.

——
Carla (The Replacements): This is more like it! I have never heard DADA before, but I want to hear more. I really love that sweetly jangly sound and the clever lyrics. If their song weren’t up against The Replacements, it’d get my vote. But, geez, we’re talking one of my favourite bands, here… Surely when it comes to sweet & jangly, sweaty & drinky, nobody can beat The Mats. The Replacements win this Battle Of Flannel.

——
Chris (The Replacements): Maybe it’s because I completely missed Dada first time around – nice tune – but I’ve gotta go with the Replacements’ thrashing and trashing in five games.

——
David (The Replacements): I always thought it funny that they effectively avoided litigation by spelling it this way, but Dada is surprisingly strong in his match up against a powerhouse like the Replacements. The timelessness of Westerberg & Co. though shines brighter than the post-punk, post new-wave, pre grunge niche sound and lyrics that Dizz Knee Land presents.

——
Greg (The Replacements): Wow, DADA owe a heavy debt to R.E.M. Seriously, have Michael Stipe’s lawyers heard this song? For something I expected to hate — the band’s name made me think they’d be along the lines of They Might Be Giants, the band members look like Mister Mister — this is a pretty good song. Unfortunately, it’s up against the Replacements.

——
Alanah (The Replacements): Well, I actually like the tune Dizz Knee Land, but even in jest, the phrase “I’m going to Disneyland!” makes me throw up a little. I’ll take “Left of the Dial” by default.

——
AQ (The Replacements): When I lived in the Cities, I used to loudly sing whatever ‘Mats track I could remember off the top of my head whenever I passed the Stinson Street exit off of I-35W (on the Minneapolis side of the river)–somehow believing that I would see a sign that Bob Stinson was watching over us from the Great Recording Studio in the Sky. My faith was rewarded the day I saw that some graffiti artist had spray-painted the sign to read “Bob Stinson St.” ‘Mats in seven, Bob Stinson (may he rest in peace) for the eternal win.

——
Sherry (The Replacements): The Replacements – Left of the Dial. Technically, Anaheim isn’t owned by Disney anymore but that detail aside, I realize that Dizz Knee Land is from the ’90s but isn’t it time that we all moved on from this whole grungey, whiny phase? Isn’t that what the emo kids are for? At least they seem to have better hygiene…marginally.

Vancouver Canucks vs. Dallas Stars
Representing Vancouver: Jeff Buckley, Vancouver
Representing Dallas: Muse, Sunburn

——
Mike (Muse): I really like Muse, and I have to point out that I spun Muse at my indie nightclub YEARS before Knights of Cydonia came out. I like Jeff Buckley too, but I just saw Muse last week in SF and I’m still kind of on a kick from that.

——
Carla (Jeff Buckley): Creepy Asian-horror-film-style video for the Muse song. But the song’s as overwrought as the video treatment of it. I like the simplicity of the Buckley. It’s all guitars and drums. No need for anything else, thanks. R.I.P., Jeff. He gets my vote.

——
Chris (Muse): I don’t know Muse as well as I should, having dismissed them long ago as arty-rock poseurs, but they sure kick ass here.

——
Greg (Jeff Buckley): Vancouver falls into an early hole. Jeff Buckley’s great. And this is a great song. But instrumentals are for lying on the couch, slightly drunk, a summer breeze flowing in the window. Instrumentals are not for when I want to RAWK. But then I heard the Dallas song. Seriously, who is this? Skinny guys staring at the floor, producing whiny music? Someone play “Highway to Hell” for these guys. WINNER: VANCOUVER IN A COMEBACK!

——
David (Jeff Buckley): Buckley’s Vancouver smacks of self-appreciation, but still comes out ahead of Sunburn by Muse. Vancouver almost lost it at the end, as Buckley adds the completely unnecessary falsetto, but quirky chirping & dark lyrics throughout Sunburn makes the song seem even more pretentious.

——
Alanah (Jeff Buckley): Jeff Buckley is my pick. Not only is he awesome, but he’s from the best city in North America (no bias, honest.). But that Muse tune? Whiny, just like Texas. (no bias, honest).

——
AQ (Jeff Buckley): Oh man….hmm. Methinks I’ll go with Jeff Buckley for this one. I had to flip a coin to decide–that’s how little I care about this series or either team (sorry Alanah).

Actually, that’s not true. I don’t have a dog in the fight other than my longstanding required-by-law-as-a-Redskins-fan hatred for Dallas and everything in it (except Mark Cuban–but he’s not native Texan, so he doesn’t count toward the Hate Quotient anyway). So I went with Jeff Buckley because I’ll die before I willingly go for anything Dallas. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS, BABY!!!!

——
Sherry (Muse): I feel like I should preface this by saying that I love Jeff Buckley. His albums have gotten me through a lot of long nights working on projects or cursing the existence of males with my friends. And I’d hate to say it but critics might say that Buckley is a bit…soft. Soft-ness will not get you deep in the playoffs. As much as it pains me to vote for something associated with Dallas…Muse, all the way. Time and time again. No, I’m not biased at all.

Nashville Predators vs. San Jose Sharks
Representing Nashville: Nashville Pussy, Fried Chicken & Coffee
Representing San Jose: Dead Kennedys (from San Francisco), Holiday In Cambodia

——
Mike (Dead Kennedys): Even if Joy Division was representing Nashville right now, I couldn’t vote for them. I hope Peter Forsberg eats fried chicken and coffee and spends games 3 and 4 in the bathroom.

——
Carla (Dead Kennedys): Psycho-(g)rock vs Punk… I would rather have a holiday in Cambodia than eat fried chicken with coffee. Blecch. Punks kick cracker ass.

——
Chris (Dead Kennedys): Classic matchup of south vs west, punk vs punk, Jello’s sweaty bare chest vs Cherokee Parks’ sister’s tatas (he had bigger ones, if memory serves). Seventh-game, double OT – Biafra goes top-shelf with the polemic, and all the top west seeds are gone on this card, anyway.

——
Greg (Nashville Pussy): The 4-5 matchup is the closest. “Fried Chicken and Coffee” sounds like Tomas Vokoun’s breakfast meal. But “Holiday in Cambodia” is an all-time classic. Ultimately, though, grit wins in the playoffs — and Nashville Pussy just has a bit more grit.

——
David (Dead Kennedys): Putting Nashville Pussy up against the Dead Kennedys is like putting Vanilla Ice up against Run DMC. No Brainer. Dead Kennedys in a heartbeat.

——
Alanah (Dead Kennedys): That Nashville Pussy tune is SO wrong; on so many levels, wrong. The Dead Kennedys win because they’re infinitely better. Also, they don’t make me want to stick my head in a blender.

——
AQ (Nashville Pussy): Mmm….Fried Chicken. I’ll go with Nashville Pussy, as the song title alone makes me picture Darcy Hordichuk going all wild-man and hollering “LEEROYYYYYYY JENNNNKIIIIINNNNSSSS!” and rushing headlong into the Sharks’ bench, thus precipitating an all-out melee between both teams that ends in a total wipe and Tomas Vokoun’s last words being “Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell” as Hordichuk retorts “At least I have chicken!” The video alone would be SO worth the price of the pay-per-view.

——
Sherry (Dead Kennedys): Okay, so obviously music associated with Nashville isn’t all hillbilly country music at the Grand Ole Oprey or bad attempts by Faith Hill to make “pop” music. But I can’t say this is any better. Dead Kennedys for me.

The WINNERS
I’ve tablated the public votes as of 11:30 PM PST, then added in our panelists’ votes.

KISS 29 +3 = 32
The Cult 28 +5 = 33
Winner: By a single vote, The Cult’s Fire Woman (Calgary) beats out Detroit Rock City in Game 7 quadruple overtime.

DADA 13 +0 = 13
The Replacements 32 +8 = 40
Winner: One-hit 90s jangle-rock band gets stomped and smacked around by drunk Paul Westerberg and co. The Replacements (Minnesota) take it in a sweep.

Jeff Buckley 21 +5 = 26
Muse 17 +3 = 20
Winner: The ghost of Jeff Buckley (Vancouver) eeks out a victory over current art-prog rockers Muse’s first single.

Nashville Pussy 14 +2 = 16
Dead Kennedys 30 +6 = 36
Winner: Dead Kennedys (San Jose) runs over Nashville Pussy in five games.

Check back tomorrow for RtP Eastern results. In the upcoming days, we’ll have new songs representing Calgary, Minnesota, Vancouver, and San Jose for the second round

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