Happy Festivus!

22Dec06


Ok, so Festivus is traditionally celebrated on the 23rd, but I wanted to squeeze this in on the last work day before the holidays. If you don’t know the traditions of Festivus, there is an important moment where the Airing of the Grievances (telling everyone how they’ve disappointed you) and the Feats of Strength (a wrestling match or physical challenge).

In celebration of the most magnificent of holidays, I’ve shared the Festivus spirit with each NHL team. I’ve either aired my Grievances (who I’m disappointed with) or challenged them to Feats of Strength (things they need to do to be successful)

Pacific Division
Anaheim Ducks
Grievances: The fans — the Ducks are the best team in the league and they can’t sell any tickets!

LA Kings
Feats of Strength: Getting Dan Cloutier to actually play two good games in a row.

Phoenix Coyotes
Feats of Strength: Trying to squash Jeremy Roenick’s ego.

Dallas Stars
Grievances: Eric Lindros — watching the Sharks/Stars game, I forgot Lindros was on the team until he went in the penalty box.

San Jose Sharks
Grievances: Mark Bell — enough said.

Central Division
Detroit Red Wings
Feats of Strength: Getting the Red Wing power play to look like the Red Wings of the recent past.

Nashville Predators
Grievances: Same as Anaheim; the Preds have an exciting, successful team and they still can’t consistently draw fans.

Chicago Blackhawks
Feats of Strength: Rebuilding Michael Handzus’ knee so he can get back in time for the playoff run.

Columbus Blue Jackets
Feats of Strength: Ken Hitchcock taking the team on his shoulders and having his team overcome the necessary deficit to hit .500 again.

St. Louis Blues
Feats of Strength: Consistent wins and effort, anyone?

Northwest Division
Minnesota Wild
Grievances: Will Marian Gaborik ever play a season totally healthy?

Vancouver Canucks
Grievances: The pitiful Canuck offense is killing Roberto Luongo.

Edmonton Oilers
Feats of Strength: Surviving the countless injuries decimating the Oiler forward units.

Calgary Flames
Grievances: Jeff Friesen — 2 points for the WHOLE SEASON for the former 30-goal scorer.

Colorado Avalanche
Feats of Strength: Getting Jose Theodore back to Hart Trophy form.

Southeast Division
Tampa Bay Lightning
Grievances: The Lightning goaltending — inconsistent, out of position, and a weak glove hand. Not good.

Washington Capitals
Feats of Strength: Finding someone to support Alex Ovechkin minus the occasional appearence by Alexander Semin.

Florida Panthers
Grievances: Todd Bertuzzi — the key to the Luongo trade, Bertuzzi’s back woes have killed the Panthers’ chance of success.

Carolina Hurricanes
Grievances: Eric Staal — Staal hasn’t played terribly, but being 5th on the team in scoring is still a disappointment for the budding superstar.

Atlanta Thrashers
Grievances: Anyone not named Hossa, Kovalchuk, Kozlov, or Lehtonen — there’s a huge drop off in performance which is why when injuries or slumps affect those guys, the whole team seems listless.

Atlantic Division
New York Rangers
Feats of Strength: Brendan Shanahan keeping up his goal-scoring pace for the whole season.

New York Islanders
Grievances: While most of the Islanders have found a groove under Ted Nolan, Miro Satan’s 10 goals is disappointing considering how much talent the Slovak has.

New Jersey Devils
Grievances: Patrik Elias — did anyone envision a -14 for Elias?

Philadelphia Flyers
Grievances: Um, the whole team. Enough said.

Pittburgh Penguins
Feats of Strength: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin carrying the team into the 8th seed (or above) even while the team has no owner.

Northeast Division
Buffalo Sabres
Feats of Strength: Staying healthy to push for a deep Cup run (only to be bested by the Sharks, of course)

Ottawa Senators
Grievances: Martin Gerber — what a waste of $3 million. Good thing I traded him in my fantasy team for Darcy Tucker!

Montreal Canadiens
Grievances: Continued strong goaltending from both Cristobal Huet and David Aebischer, minus any bad locker room vibes for contending for the #1 spot.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Feats of Strength: Having Darcy Tucker keep up his goal-scoring pace. Martin Gerber for Darcy Tucker — fantasy steal of the season.

Boston Bruins
Grievances: Marco Sturm, who had a great campaign last season after getting traded for Joe Thornton, has a measly 16 points on the season.

Have a Feats of Strength challenge or a Grievance to air? Leave it in the comments!

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5 Responses to “Happy Festivus!”

  1. 1 Earl Sleek

    Dallas Stars and SJ Sharks:

    Feats of strength: play a game where both teams score a goal.

  2. 2 Mike Chen

    Damn you Sleek. I can’t say anything because you’re right. That game was awful last night — good thing I had sold my tix!

  3. 3 Anonymous

    Great post! My grievance is with the league itself for even considering the egg shaped net. Ditto to all those relocation rumours of the Penguins moving to Las Vegas – a great place for Rick Tocchet to coach should he be exonerated.

  4. 4 Alan Linquist

    Boston’s feats of strength could have included a moderately-skilled journeyman goaltender playing almost every game for the Bruins, and somehow doing it well.

  5. 5 Doogie

    Feat of Strength for the NHL: consider contraction instead of expansion, for the good of the game.


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